food is forever

food is forever. i sound like some ancient prophet. maybe i reincarnated from one.

whatever it is, i feel like a balloon after meals and am never going to be forgiven to by somalian refugees, especially the kids. why? thanks to a seoul garden dinner. i developed symptoms of bulimia but the truth is that much adversed.

too bloated until i puke at the sight of food.

enough on food, my perfromance today for the exams is enough to make anyone puke. free writing was a nightmare. i had writers' block. i worte about how things are not what they seemed to be. i wrote a disaster. i really am going to fail free writing. my forte. oh the irony.

but i think i did ok for geog. really ok. like getting A1. felt really good after geog exam.

but so what, the english exam still rings in my head like guilt. i am going to fail. either that or flunk my first time. ah. oh. eh. there's a first for everything.

that's why i'm not feeling too sad. it's like 60% but it doesn't seem to matter that much anymore. jujst have to wrok harder for sa2. i think i'm going to be a living robot during those days to come.

my mum still wants me to get into triple science. that seems hard. things are not what they seemed to be.

pathethic animal 2

the last sentence of the last post probably sounded gross. yeah, you may think. but it's not 100% junk. :)

ok, lets cut short of all the sentimentality. i am slacking again. lols. i can't find a good reason to start doing homework. really. i am starting to copy everything. is that supposed to be good news for anyone who wants this pathethic anmial to lose out? probably, but it matters only to those poeple. this pathethic animal may be slacking but it's not stupid. or maybe it is...just depends on how you define stupid.

paradox. this new word is pretty interesting. it's like the fusion of opposites in a situation. i like this word.

thank you for sucking my life out totally. your presence drains my very spirit. your antics repulse my very conscious. your hypocrisy destorys honesty and sincerity. you try all means to make my friends betray and desert me. you think you're good. you don't practise what you preach. you make everyone suffer from convulsions. please get out of my life!!!

i feel so much better after ranting all that out. it's plain exaggerartion but there's truth in it too. no one can force the truth from me. you can regard it as me fighing against myself if you're that inconvinced.

went to the elementz exhibit. not for science but for memories. i'm not going there to look at boring science projects. i'm going back to relieve the former moments. i'm going to meet the sps kids. i'm going back to the past. i love my past. and i bloody hate the present.

and it's no one's fault. just a change in perception. i want to meet up with all my old friends. i want to return to my alma mater. i want to impart whatever i have to my old primary school, also known as sembawang primary school. is that how a person feels after being neglected for so long? perhaps after being treated as a vermin and constantly kena suanned by everyone around you? but i'm not going to give up. this is one tough obstacle and there's no way i'm going to fail.

i will strive for my inner soul. i will not give up. not even after getting 21/40 for my maths test, i will be boxer. i will work harder.

may the suannings begin.

let the tears flow down.

a flurry of activity. a transit to nowhere. a dream of emptiness.

everything seems like a hollow space. vacuum. i wander around aimlessly for an exit. i find none. let the tears flow down. dashed hopes. tender sequoia.

i'm not feeling great today. kinda like vacuum with sacs of rage. even my head feels unrealisitic where it should be sensitive. i'd probably won't care even if mr khoo knocked on the door right now. my studies are really going down the drain. failing maths is ok for all i care. it's just maths. won't it be easy to learn? but it needs time and patience. i have time but no patience. succintly put, i'm just lazy.

everyone has virtues. i wonder what are mine. but the list is definitely not impressive. school is terrible. i still don't understand how my both feet drag the rest of the body along to school ever so timely. it's mechanical. humans are robots. they just don't know it and try to endow themselves as higher beings. what's the use? you're still an animal, that includes me. i'm also an animal. a paththic one infact. this poor animal is stuck facing two horrible faces everyday at school. they give this poor animal the worst attitude and are undeniably desperate people. how desperate? they resort to bullying this pathethic animal for recognition. yeah, this poor animal is really pathethic. lets send for the SPCA.

light-headed me just got smacked again. come off it, it's not surprising. i am everyone's straw dummy. an outlet for anything and everything. mocked and exploited. but it's ok. these people are pitiful. they are ignorant and dumb. you think i'm going to adnit defeat just by your tiny little antics? try again. but i suggest you stop. you'll just be wasting your time.

life is not without it's rewards too. along with all the ugly people i have met and are going to meet, there are kind souls who are willing to make friends with me. this pathethic animal doesn't seem so pathethic anymore. so i want to say a big thankyou to anyone who appreciates me and have the courtesy to tag. thankyou to everyone who thinks i'm not some disgusting little maggot. thankyou for remembering me as a friend. thankyou to all who have loved me as a friend. to all these people, you have my trust. you have my sincerity. you have my gratitude.

you have my love.

spoiled gantry

slightly pissed at the gantry. or is it at myself not trying to run an extra round. whatever the truth is, it is definitely not me finishing 2.4km run at 15min58secs. i'd die if that was me and the only convincing result i could get from this score is either it's not mine or that it advanced by three minutes. along with all the other possibilities.

i not it's so not me but i played 6 hours of maple during the weekends. i am making ends meet on deadlines. deadlines on everything. from finishing srp to typing finish the blog entry. and i'm so free that i have time to blog. as if. i wish. pressure here and pressure there. gahhs. pain. terror. fear. guilt. my srp is still behind time. so i realise that i'm behind time for everything that has a deadline and early for anything that does not have a deadline. moral of the story: never give deadlines.

as i lie on the bed, i think of all the past moments i shared with sps. compared to now, it was so much better. people there ARE more friendly and inviting. here, i'm facing all that unwanted stares like i'm some kind of epidemic. people here try to demoralize you until you felt that they had achieved beyond of their supposed goal. to torment you and make sure you are friendless. to a certain extent, they want to surpass you in results. they call you names and treat you like a piece of shit. they constantly suan and reject you. as a human being. then these inconsiderate creatures would never appreciate you and never say a good word about you. unless you count that countless suanning.

but deep down, i believe that these people must have been insecure themselves. inferior complex, as often mentioned, proliferates in the student society, also known as class. perhaps this smokescreen is only temprorary and just tries to help them creat their own identity. to realise their innerselves better and achieve epiphany. and all would lead to the blooming of nicer people and stronger friedships. that is the way i commemorate this blossoming, "denied-identity.blogspot.com".

my dream for all the people out there.

youth day gone.

some things in life are just not so wonderful. like why youth day is only one day long. like why my chinese is ever-sucking. like why NAPFA is coming. like why i'm not paying attention to my studies.

talk about NAPFA, i'm still slacking. have not done any exercise. joined a cca which required almore zero physical exertions. still not bothered to do anything about it. i got silver last year and that was incredible. but i'd probably just be aiming for that bronze this year. there is not much fulfilment in getting a gold. it's just a medal. but everyone else is fighting for that medal. i wish them goodluck.

i want another june holidays. everyday now, i'm forcing myself out of bed. then to brush up. then to eat. then to be crammed in a stuffy cabin in the mrt. then to inhale all the fumes on the path to school. then to sweat it out on the parade square during flag-rising. then to rush off to a tirade of lessons. the same cycle everyday. what an interesting life.

studying makes me feel sick. yeah, i can't even lift my head up in lessons now. i'm behind time on almost everything including maths. especially maths. i am a slacker. always waiting for the day to end for the new day to start. and this vicious cycle continues. i know. but it's not the time yet. i do not have the desire to enter a triple science class. i am normal. i want to be normal.

and for people who don't know, i'm playing maple for destress. i play in cas, with a noob lvl33 I/L wizard called arcticed. for all the pros playing in cas. do find the time to help this lost wandering wizard in shanghai.

for anyone's information, arcticed is a girl.