POP LOH! :D
It's been almost a year since I last posted here. It's been too long I guess. Too much have happened. And words are limited in expression. It has been a period of reckoning. Reckoning of my self-worth that is.
On the last day of the June holidays, I remembered developing a habit I keep till today: cycling all the way to the grassy fields along Avenue 12. The trip there made me smile. And it made me relax. For that one hour, I was giving myself a good mental break. Yes, I did think about the things that caused all my stress in the first place but somehow they didn't feel half as bad when my ears were infused with Joe Hisaishi and Sigur Ros and my eyes were feasting on the wide spaces and a decent view.
It is a habit which I am going to reinforce later definitely. But I digress. During my rocky JC journey, the question of whether it was worth it kept cropping up to me. My general unhappiness in Debates threatened to displace my previously strong desire for power. Perhaps it's me being hypersensitive or not being able to adapt as well as I wanted to. Because during the start of J2, I was just dreading being present for trainings and actually training and just couldn't put any heart into any of it. Haha, guess any hope for endorsement from Ms Uma has been derailed due to this. I felt irresponsible but also revolted from my involvement in a CCA which I craved for its prestige, and not one which I had a true passion for.
Still, this choice has branded me forever as a debater whether I like it or not. Wherever I go now, I am judged by this yardstick to a certain extent. Not that I am complaining or particularly disappointed to be. I was a debater. That was the truth. Now it's time to move on yeah.
And because of this experience, I swore to myself never to ever pursue power at the expense of passion. This disillusionment may describe my current state of confusion. During the interviews, I often revealed the truth: that I was not sure of where I want to be headed. In spite of knowing how this will jeopardise my chances of getting a scholarship, I reveal my predicament at every interview when appropriate. I know it's naive and that I should just do what I did in the past to secure that coveted internship/award/scholarship/opportunity: to go all out and commit myself to that endeavour.
There are days I kick myself for such a move. That's when I realise that the old me still lives within me. I doubt I'll ever be able to dispel it completely and perhaps it's good to have some balance if I want to succeed in this world where competition is getting increasingly stiffer.
Then there are times where I wonder what it means to succeed. From inculcating that fighter/fighting spirit in me, I know that I can accomplish many things if I set my heart to it. But as my 'A' levels have shown, I can incur incredible cost as well. I gave up so much to get my straight 'A's.
Jin Hu, you've done it. Really, all I felt when I collected my results was intense RELIEF. Unlike my 'O' levels, this certificate was a reminder of what I had to give up. Too much, too much. Would I ever make the same sacrifice for a piece of paper? I'm not too sure myself.
So as mentioned from the start, it's been a time of uncovering who I really am. Right from the start, I have been denied my true identity. Denied in the sense that I can't be what I think I may truly be and also in another sense where I'm not even sure what this true identity really is. While external factors may have hindered my self-actualisation, I figured that the organic nature of the values which we identity ourselves with may have played a part in this bewilderment. This flux is also part of life but it unsettles and right now, I'm really out of balance.
National service brought along with it a (somehow there is a sense of deja vu in writing this) new set of challenges. Really, I just wanted some time to rediscover myself but no, the government dictates that I be withdrawn from my peace-time to learn how to prepare for war. No, we don't have a choice in spending these two years but we do have some say in how we want to spend it. And even in that aspect, I can't make a proper decision. There is an internal struggle between wanting to spend time and effort to improve myself as much as I can as a soldier and just wanting to chill and relax and read and write and learn anything not remotely related to weaponry.
Whatever the case, I daresay I'm not the first (and definitely not the last) in harbouring such a sentiment. It's dangerous for the government and the country if too many people harbour such a mentality. And in my defence, I'm still serving my duties rather dutifully. As much as I can (and my health permits), I endure the arduous training and learn all the soldiering techniques that I'm supposed to be equipped with. I tell myself that the two years (and all the blood, sweat, tears and toil that will be shed) are a form of debt repayment. It's also a form of me expressing my gratitude towards the country for taking care of my family over the past two decades.
But after these two years, I want my freedom back. Yes, I do understand that in the grand scheme of things, the safety and security of a country is more important than my individual choice in the way I lead my life. Is it really too much to ask for? That during the 9 months (and that's just a preliminary estimate) before I head to university, I be given a chance to pursue what I desire. My parents understand this. They will be sad to see me go but they understand that I need to ditch my comfort zone.
Free spirit. That's right.
My time after 'A' levels should have been spent more wisely. I chose to devote it to a tuition centre which has taken to exploiting me with low pay and measly hours. Again, understanding that we exist in a free market economy, I made a choice to leave. There were also the times which I spent with Chin and Tian Ning. Gosh, what would I do without the two of them really. :') Then there was all the preparation for interviews for scholarships which I didn't know if I really want. Turns out that I've gotten none of them. It's either I'm not good enough or I'm not destined for them. Or that my brutal honesty with my lack of direction and academic amnesia couldn't fool anyone.
Argh. There are times when I get so pissed with myself for not being good enough. All for all the stupid mistakes which I made, as superficial as they may be. My overstretched lumbar, my imperfect (but according to some, nice-looking) teeth, that little cavity on my nose (which some might assume to be the remnants of a giant pimple when in reality it was self-mutilation by my 7 year-old self who didn't know that the yellow crumbs peeling from my nose back then was actually skin), all the little pimple scars that aren't easily visible from a socially acceptable distance but which stare back at me every morning when I look into the mirror. Then there's the birthmark on my forehead which will forever set me apart from 99.999% of the population. Along with the fact that my eyes aren't equal in size with the left being significantly bigger than the right at times.
I could blame myself for all of these, and wallow in a cesspit of self-pity. In a tweet when such feelings overpowered me in camp, I acknowledged the truth of things: "There is so much to be grateful for but there are times we can't help feeling that we are a tragedy."
That tweet garnered one like from none other than maddie, my amazing deskmate in JC.
Really though, I am lucky. And I know that. I just need to make it an effort to remind myself more often about the things that I've been blessed with. That whenever I feel insecure about myself and my abilities (especially when the scholarship boards and universities reject me or leave me in the unknown about their decisions), I can tell myself that I am still strong, still loved, still desirable. That I don't need their monetary sponsorship to make me feel better about myself.
And even if they did decide to offer me a scholarship with a bond, it doesn't mean that signing the dotted line would ensure that my life would be the Life which I want to lead in the next 10 years of my life. While offering prestige, job security and the easing of any financial burden that a tertiary education brings, it may not be a career which you want to embark in.
You have to know yourself. And this is really just a summary of what you've been talking about since the start. Time to cycle now.
