For much of my life, Vesak Day has not been a very important occasion. Maybe I should change it to all my life since today was spent very much like a regular weekday.
I was among the first to wake up in the morning (7.17am) in spite of being one of the last to sleep (11.35pm). No thanks to my anxieties which have been disrupting rest for quite some time already. I bounced out of bed to clear the bladder before crawling back in to will myself to sleep. Sunlight had streamed into the room already but I forced my eyes shut only to have my thoughts running wild again. After 20 minutes of futility, I left my bed for good and continued to read John Gribbin's In Search of Schrodinger's Cat.
Sidenote: Two years ago, I would never have expected myself to have voluntarily picked up a book on physics to read at leisure. Back then, I was struggling just trying to understand basic concepts, such as the wave/particle duality though I must admit that the quantum theory was one of the more fascinating bits of the curriculum. The book surpassed expectations and brought me along a journey in the discovery and reconciliation of various theories and experiments among the great minds in science in the early twentieth century. I liked how the book was able to succinctly explain core quantum concepts through analogies and included snippets of the relationships between the juggernauts such as Einstein, Bohr, Heisenburg and Schrodinger to name a few.
Later, I spontaneously joined my sister for a pleasant breakfast at the MRT station where we had (meh) mee siam and mee soto at the khun thai food stall which replaced UOB. We followed this up with Baker Talent's buns (selling at less than a dollar each) and stopped by at the wet market to buy my mum her Cheong Fun breakfast. I returned home to resume reading the book. It's all still rather intensive regardless of how entertaining it is and I nearly dozed off before my mum hollered at me to soak my uniform in permethrin.
Vile substance that is. It stank up in the entire house with its odour as I soaked my uniform in a solution. It had better be effective in deterring mosquitoes for all the inconvenience that it took to soak it. I wanted to do this myself because I didn't want my mother to be touching such a concentrated chemical for me.
Returned to reading my book but got distracted by the heat and humidity which drenched me in sweat in minutes. Turned on the air-con in the master bedroom and was happily skidding along the words but again was distracted, this time by the pleasant Mandopop tunes wafting from the radio as my mum worked on her administrative affairs.
Left for the Mother's Day treat at Aston's. The restaurant was her choice even though we had patronised it less than a fortnight ago. We ordered the same sides (except for a change from the BBQ beans to the mashed potato at last minute which I glared at my sister for). It's pretty good, especially the lemon lime chicken which complemented the heaviness of the protein with a refreshing zest.
Giant's limited muesli/energy bar section meant that I left the hypermarket with nothing to bring for Thailand. Speaking of which, it is imperative that I start packing but I haven't really gotten down to it unfortunately. Right now, the Ops Box is more occupied than my duffel bag which is still in the shelves. Had better take it down later.
I sat with Yong Xin on the bus for the journey to-and-fro. I'm a little 惭愧 for the way that I have treated her over the past few years. It's been quite elitist and snobbish on my part for me to accord her respect and attention in proportion to my biased and depressed perception of her talents and abilities. Slowly but surely, I want to show her that I care and value her more than just
Returned home and spent the rest of the day trying to read and understand quantum theories. The reason why I am typing this now is because my brain is fried from all the complexities that it has to unravel. I am not proud of being able to cover only 80 pages in a day.
It's been some time since I wrote a blow-by-blow account of my daily activities. It's a style which I have lost touch with and this was evident from the roughness (just like the uneven surface of my skin urgh) of the passages.
As asserted at the top of this entry, this Vesak Day hasn't been very special. Except that I could promise myself one thing, and that is to finish the hardcopy edition of The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying which I bought at the Borders Moving Out Sale yesterday. It isn't cheap even after the discount for a paperback which was first printed 20 odd years ago. But I wanted to buy it anyway because this time I wouldn't have an excuse to not complete it. An excuse which I used when the Amazon Kindle which Chin bought for my 19th birthday broke down. And I really want to finish this and get in touch with Buddhist ideals because I hope that they would guide me out of my turmoil.
Looking at my blog entries for the last few years, I realised that there has been a change in style. From the blow-by-blow description of events, my posts have shifted to thought experiments and mental struggles where I throw up all my thoughts verbatim and try to analyse them and arrive at conclusions with the hope of attaining closure.
That, is something I haven't been able to achieve. It seems so difficult for me to stick to my convictions and I find my stances oscillating like a pendulum. This includes the issue of choosing to take which scholarship. It's such a first-world problem that many would disparage me for being conflicted when they are struggling to survive and get by.
Likewise, my obsession with facial indented scars would drive them equally contemptuous. I don't blame them. I would hate myself for struggling over superficial concerns in the grand scheme of things. It's a tendency which I have difficulty controlling: whenever an issue happens to me, my mind would devote so much attention to it that I neglect other matters. Even those as basic as taking care of myself.
That's how one of newest and biggest indented scar came about. Because I allowed the scholarship issue to divert my attention away from treating myself with love and dignity. What a vicious cycle huh.
(Perversely though, I am grateful that moderate acne scars and scholarship dilemma are the biggest 'problems' in my life that I had to deal with, that I am fortunate enough to have been spared truly tragic events.)
These twin troubles are still plaguing me but I am determined to let myself learn from these decisions and truly internalise the aphrorism of "learning from your mistakes". I stumble, I fall and yes, I have scars to show for them. For the skin issue, some part of me wishes that I could go back to blithely neglecting my skin condition so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore than I do now. The penchant for comparison and competition strikes to my core especially when I'm in public places and my attention pounces on the smooth complexions of the huge majority who knows the importance of skincare, leaving me in the dust and as one of the sad minority who are physically unattractive because of our acne attacks and inability to heal without scars (especially indented ones)
Maybe it's all in the mind and social perception is perhaps no where as damning as the self-critic. That probably is the case. But I'm not willing to let it go even though it hurts. I want the lesson to be deeply etched in my mind, so that I would never forget. Heck, looking at the mirror wouldn't allow me to forget anyway.
(I forget so easily though: if it hadn't been for a blog entry five years ago, I wouldn't ever have recalled reading Hilary Mantell's An Experiment of Love. Flipping through its summary now and it doesn't feel familiar at all. As if I've never touched this book before. And this is just one example of the many plots of the many shows which I had watched but are now completely erased or else hidden deeply in the recesses of the mind)
I like to compare, get jealous and wallow in self-pity too easily. It's something I can barely control. It is difficult to tell yourself to let go and move on when you're constantly juxtaposing your situation with those of others.
So here is hoping that from this day on, I will be taking steps closer to freeing myself from such earthly pains. Towards Enlightenment.
